Hello to whoever I've invited here. Fair warning before I get started, things may get crude and real. I'm not going to censor myself because this is my life now. I just need an outlet for things and something to do so I don't forget what I've been up to. The good, the bad, the whatever the hell my life is right now. Also, I'm not an English major or anything else. So there may be grammatical errors, run on sentences, weird paragraphs. I really don't care.
Okay, that's out of the way. Now onto who I am. I'm only allowing close friends and maybe a family member or 2 to read this so you may already know, but like I said this is my outlet so here it goes. I have officially been divorced for 3 months now. I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted to be one of those people that could make it to the finish line or something like that. I could handle being miserable, which I was. I'm a people pleaser so it was easy for me. I could just live my life, pretending things were good. The first time, May 2017, he asked me for a divorce I felt like it was out of left field. Sure, we had our issues, most couples do but I didn't think it was that bad. I immediately went into planning mode. I wanted to make sure I would be okay. I called my best friend, made a plan. I would stay there until the end of the summer and then move back to the one place I swore I would never return to live. I had no choice. I also decided halfway through I would go to that place for a week. Just for a break. We still slept together in the same bed. I think we even had sex a time or 2. So not healthy. But it was what I needed to do to survive. I told him that he had to be the one to file because this is what he wanted. We drafted up notarized papers saying that we were separated so we had that much. During my week long visit home, we talked everyday. When I returned he decided that he didn't want a divorce anymore. Maybe we could just be separated and see what happens. Being the agreeable people pleaser that I am, I agreed. Still planning on returning to Georgia in August but returning still married.
August came. I flew my best friend in so I wouldn't have to make the drive by myself. After 2 days I was back where I started, living at my parent's house at 33. I had no job, some money and I just did it. It took me almost 7 months to find a job. I was still talking to him everyday, texting, Facetime. Super healthy behavior. I started to feel trapped at my parent's house so I found an apartment. I still isolated myself from everyone. I was used to that behavior. I even flew out to see him November 2017. I was still technically married and we were "trying to work on things." He moved to Georgia, or came to see how things would work, in November or December 2018.
He refused to have any contact with my family. I mean, I get it they aren't everyone's cup of tea but they were still my family. I still wanted it to work, so badly. It was more so about not wanting to be divorced than still being in love. We did things together, went places occasionally. My best friend got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor. I became involved in her wedding. He didn't want to have anything to do with it. I should have seen the warning signs, the isolating behavior but I didn't. He came to a friendly gathering with me and just made things awkward. (Side note, the next guy I'm seriously involved with has got to get in with my friends and family.)
Finally in August 2019, he again said he wanted a divorce. As soon as he said that I felt a sense of relief almost. I told him that he couldn't take it back and that this was it. He said he understood. I said in order for this to work, absolutely no contact. Again, he said he understood. I got into work mode. Found an online lawer, because I didn't want to do it myself in case I messed it up. I did not want this to drag out. We still slept in the same bed. I don't exactly own a couch, just a small love seat. (Keep the love seat in mind, it will make an appearance in another blog post.) At this point, after not being active sexually he tried to finally have sex with me. I had no attraction, no love for him anymore so I shot him down. We finally got all the paperwork done and turned in mid August. Now it was a waiting game. He decided to go back to Texas end of August. He left the weekend of my best friend's wedding.
That weekend in August was my great turning point. I finally felt free. I thought no contact with someone that I've talked to everyday for 12 and a half years would be difficult. It wasn't. After a little over 2 years of not knowing what direction my life was going to go in, I had a direction. I was going to be single. I just let myself live that weekend and I had a blast. Best time in a long time. I made friends, danced, was merry. I didn't even drink really. I was just ready to move on with my life finally.
I can't remember when exactly I decided to get on the dating apps. Maybe sometime in September? I didn't really know what I was doing, still don't. But I figured I'd give it a try and see what happens. At one point I was on 4 different apps, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and the Facebook dating app. I've had a lot of matches but honestly that doesn't matter. The following blog posts will be about the ones that I have actually met. Each post will be titled with a nickname I made for the person. Everyone who will have access to this will know who I am talking about. The posts may get updated depending on if anything further happens with that particular person. They will be in order of our match on whatever app it was.
No comments:
Post a Comment