I matched with this beautiful specimen on Bubble I think it was the end of September. He was extremely verbose. Very poetic. Kind of a little douchey. But boy was he nice to look at. At least in his pictures at this point. We talked on Bubble and exchanged numbers. He added me on Facebook but we really didn't make any plans to meet. It was almost a ghosting situation but he kept popping up. One day out of nowhere I looked in my rear view mirror on my way home after walking in the park and there he was. During one of our conversations he told me he liked to swing in the park. I assumed this meant the grown up swings while his kid played. He didn't. On another occasion while I was walking in the park, I saw him. Luckily his back was toward me but he was swinging on the swing set, carefree. A little weird. At this point we still have not met. He texted me out of nowhere the day I changed my name. He wanted to do a movie night that weekend but I was working. And that was it, no further contact. I decided to utilize my membership to the gym since the weather was getting cold. And who was there? The Swinger. It felt so awkward. I kept seeing him. We talked for a little bit, then nothing, and now I was seeing him multiple times a week. So I decided to text him and call him out in a way. I said something about us talking, then nothing, and now I see him at the gym. I told him to feel free to say hi. Oh and my the way, he's just as beautiful in person. So we started bro-nodding to each other, occasionally waving. The Monday of Thanksgiving week, I was sitting in a staff meeting and I got a text from The Swinger. He was asking if I wanted to walk with him that afternoon. I was shook. I never use that word. But I was. It was really unexpected so of course I said yes. Have you seen this guy? More than likely but still. Swoon. We met at the park and started our walk. He started out talking about his love of swinging. That park had the best swing in the county. It was perfect for his tall stature. Did I mention he's 6'5? So I was walking and looking up at him. He was talking pretty much the entire time. It was also the first time I've ever heard his voice. Super deep. We hugged goodbye and that was it. Nothing further. Still just waves at the gym. The weird thing is we continue to match on dating apps. He deleted his and then started new ones and we matched again. I deleted mine and started new ones, matched again. Still no contact. Its just so weird. But he is so pretty. This isn't really over though. I don't know if it will be. Just because of the gym. So I guess this one will just have to be to be continued...
And it has been continued. Today is his birthday. I noticed it on Facebook. I decided to be a nice person and text him instead of being impersonal and leaving a message on his wall. We texted the majority of the day. He mentioned that he was going to the gym tonight. I figured I'd see him there. When I got home I didn't want to waste this beautiful day so I was going to walk in the park instead. I decided to tell him that I wouldn't see him at the gym after all. He asked what I was doing and I went for it. I told him that I was going to walk in the park and he could join me if he wanted to. And he did. The conversation was so much easier this time. I was less intimidated by him. So there's a chance those of you reading this may get to meet him one day. He mentioned he'd like to accompany me to the bar whenever he has a free weekend. Such a weird unexpected day. I didn't expect it to end the way it did. Didn't expect to see him again, honestly. I haven't even been seeing him at the gym. So again this is to be continued.........
This past week has been a weirdly good week out of nowhere. Just for an idea, it's still the week of his birthday. So Tuesday, the gym was semi-busy and I couldn't get to where I usually do for the ellipticals. He was there. So I was just a creepy stalker watching him work out. Wednesday I was able to go to my normal machine. And you know the typical gym rule? Skip a machine? Well I was on a machine and this dude skipped one and I figured okay whenever this guy gets there he will go down the line or something. Nope. He got on the machine right between me and the random guy. Now on this day my freakin bluetooth headphones died on me. I was doing my thing with useless headphones and he was right beside me. I could hear him breath. It was just so weird. Also, when I saw him I did this weird awkward wave. I don't know. I'm just weird. I don't know how to be a person at times. Anyways. So I always jet as soon as my 30 minutes is done. Next day, I didn't get on "my machine" but down the line. Pretty much same story. I was doing my thing. I honestly didn't think he'd show up. He usually doesn't work out that many days in a row. But he did and what do you know, gets on the machine right next to me again. Ugh. This guy. Anyway. I get home and decide to text him. Just to let him know that I wouldn't be at the gym the next day. That's all I thought it would be. But he asked what I was doing, seemed interested. I'm confused by all of this. Today, which is the day I didn't go to the gym, I texted him to let him know that I did get the job I was working towards. We talked a little about him going to the bar with me. He seems totally into it. I don't know. I'm just so confused by all of this because we didn't talk for months and now things seem to be moving along. I guess we will see if he actually is able to go to the bar with me next weekend, which just so happens to be Valentine's Day weekend. So yeah, to be continued.......
We went to the bar on Valentine's Day. I picked him up since I knew where I was going. 2 minutes from his apartment I got pulled over because I forgot to turn my lights on. I was super embarrassed but he proceeded to talk about the times he's been pulled over and it helped. He talked the entire way to the bar. He's a talker that one. We enjoyed a couple of beers and the live music. At one point a coworker walked over so I introduced them. They both talked about how awesome I am which is awkward for me. I drove him home and he talked more. When we got to his apartment we were talking about watching a movie and instead of going up with him to find the movie, I looked on my phone and it wasn't on a streaming device. So we hugged and that was that.
One week later, I texted him to see what he was up to. He didn't have his daughter so I suggested we watch a movie. He wasn't in a social mood so that was fine. The next morning, he texted me to see if I wanted to walk since it was finally sunny after a full week of rain. We met at the park, talked about music, it was super nice. So I thought that was that. Later in the day, he texted me to see if I had any plans that night. I didn't. So he invited me to his place to watch the movie that we've been talking about since we first started talking in September. I went over there and was there for 5 hours. Watched the movie and talked some more. I'm really not sure what this is at this point. We've only ever hugged, nothing more. I'm not one to make the first move. Not sure if I should even bring it up or just see what happens. I don't mind just being friends. I don't think I'd mind anything more. I did notice that we have hung out at least once a week for the last three weeks, so that's something. Considering we matched in September, didn't really talk for a while and I decided to be a nice person and wish him a happy birthday. Oh and he still makes sure he gets on the elliptical next to mine at the gym. And I changed his name in my phone. I had his nickname as "Swinger" but I put it as his actual name now. I guess this will be another to be continued.......
Thursday, January 16, 2020
Saturday, January 4, 2020
The New/Old Me
Hello to whoever I've invited here. Fair warning before I get started, things may get crude and real. I'm not going to censor myself because this is my life now. I just need an outlet for things and something to do so I don't forget what I've been up to. The good, the bad, the whatever the hell my life is right now. Also, I'm not an English major or anything else. So there may be grammatical errors, run on sentences, weird paragraphs. I really don't care.
Okay, that's out of the way. Now onto who I am. I'm only allowing close friends and maybe a family member or 2 to read this so you may already know, but like I said this is my outlet so here it goes. I have officially been divorced for 3 months now. I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted to be one of those people that could make it to the finish line or something like that. I could handle being miserable, which I was. I'm a people pleaser so it was easy for me. I could just live my life, pretending things were good. The first time, May 2017, he asked me for a divorce I felt like it was out of left field. Sure, we had our issues, most couples do but I didn't think it was that bad. I immediately went into planning mode. I wanted to make sure I would be okay. I called my best friend, made a plan. I would stay there until the end of the summer and then move back to the one place I swore I would never return to live. I had no choice. I also decided halfway through I would go to that place for a week. Just for a break. We still slept together in the same bed. I think we even had sex a time or 2. So not healthy. But it was what I needed to do to survive. I told him that he had to be the one to file because this is what he wanted. We drafted up notarized papers saying that we were separated so we had that much. During my week long visit home, we talked everyday. When I returned he decided that he didn't want a divorce anymore. Maybe we could just be separated and see what happens. Being the agreeable people pleaser that I am, I agreed. Still planning on returning to Georgia in August but returning still married.
August came. I flew my best friend in so I wouldn't have to make the drive by myself. After 2 days I was back where I started, living at my parent's house at 33. I had no job, some money and I just did it. It took me almost 7 months to find a job. I was still talking to him everyday, texting, Facetime. Super healthy behavior. I started to feel trapped at my parent's house so I found an apartment. I still isolated myself from everyone. I was used to that behavior. I even flew out to see him November 2017. I was still technically married and we were "trying to work on things." He moved to Georgia, or came to see how things would work, in November or December 2018.
He refused to have any contact with my family. I mean, I get it they aren't everyone's cup of tea but they were still my family. I still wanted it to work, so badly. It was more so about not wanting to be divorced than still being in love. We did things together, went places occasionally. My best friend got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor. I became involved in her wedding. He didn't want to have anything to do with it. I should have seen the warning signs, the isolating behavior but I didn't. He came to a friendly gathering with me and just made things awkward. (Side note, the next guy I'm seriously involved with has got to get in with my friends and family.)
Finally in August 2019, he again said he wanted a divorce. As soon as he said that I felt a sense of relief almost. I told him that he couldn't take it back and that this was it. He said he understood. I said in order for this to work, absolutely no contact. Again, he said he understood. I got into work mode. Found an online lawer, because I didn't want to do it myself in case I messed it up. I did not want this to drag out. We still slept in the same bed. I don't exactly own a couch, just a small love seat. (Keep the love seat in mind, it will make an appearance in another blog post.) At this point, after not being active sexually he tried to finally have sex with me. I had no attraction, no love for him anymore so I shot him down. We finally got all the paperwork done and turned in mid August. Now it was a waiting game. He decided to go back to Texas end of August. He left the weekend of my best friend's wedding.
That weekend in August was my great turning point. I finally felt free. I thought no contact with someone that I've talked to everyday for 12 and a half years would be difficult. It wasn't. After a little over 2 years of not knowing what direction my life was going to go in, I had a direction. I was going to be single. I just let myself live that weekend and I had a blast. Best time in a long time. I made friends, danced, was merry. I didn't even drink really. I was just ready to move on with my life finally.
I can't remember when exactly I decided to get on the dating apps. Maybe sometime in September? I didn't really know what I was doing, still don't. But I figured I'd give it a try and see what happens. At one point I was on 4 different apps, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and the Facebook dating app. I've had a lot of matches but honestly that doesn't matter. The following blog posts will be about the ones that I have actually met. Each post will be titled with a nickname I made for the person. Everyone who will have access to this will know who I am talking about. The posts may get updated depending on if anything further happens with that particular person. They will be in order of our match on whatever app it was.
Okay, that's out of the way. Now onto who I am. I'm only allowing close friends and maybe a family member or 2 to read this so you may already know, but like I said this is my outlet so here it goes. I have officially been divorced for 3 months now. I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted to be one of those people that could make it to the finish line or something like that. I could handle being miserable, which I was. I'm a people pleaser so it was easy for me. I could just live my life, pretending things were good. The first time, May 2017, he asked me for a divorce I felt like it was out of left field. Sure, we had our issues, most couples do but I didn't think it was that bad. I immediately went into planning mode. I wanted to make sure I would be okay. I called my best friend, made a plan. I would stay there until the end of the summer and then move back to the one place I swore I would never return to live. I had no choice. I also decided halfway through I would go to that place for a week. Just for a break. We still slept together in the same bed. I think we even had sex a time or 2. So not healthy. But it was what I needed to do to survive. I told him that he had to be the one to file because this is what he wanted. We drafted up notarized papers saying that we were separated so we had that much. During my week long visit home, we talked everyday. When I returned he decided that he didn't want a divorce anymore. Maybe we could just be separated and see what happens. Being the agreeable people pleaser that I am, I agreed. Still planning on returning to Georgia in August but returning still married.
August came. I flew my best friend in so I wouldn't have to make the drive by myself. After 2 days I was back where I started, living at my parent's house at 33. I had no job, some money and I just did it. It took me almost 7 months to find a job. I was still talking to him everyday, texting, Facetime. Super healthy behavior. I started to feel trapped at my parent's house so I found an apartment. I still isolated myself from everyone. I was used to that behavior. I even flew out to see him November 2017. I was still technically married and we were "trying to work on things." He moved to Georgia, or came to see how things would work, in November or December 2018.
He refused to have any contact with my family. I mean, I get it they aren't everyone's cup of tea but they were still my family. I still wanted it to work, so badly. It was more so about not wanting to be divorced than still being in love. We did things together, went places occasionally. My best friend got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor. I became involved in her wedding. He didn't want to have anything to do with it. I should have seen the warning signs, the isolating behavior but I didn't. He came to a friendly gathering with me and just made things awkward. (Side note, the next guy I'm seriously involved with has got to get in with my friends and family.)
Finally in August 2019, he again said he wanted a divorce. As soon as he said that I felt a sense of relief almost. I told him that he couldn't take it back and that this was it. He said he understood. I said in order for this to work, absolutely no contact. Again, he said he understood. I got into work mode. Found an online lawer, because I didn't want to do it myself in case I messed it up. I did not want this to drag out. We still slept in the same bed. I don't exactly own a couch, just a small love seat. (Keep the love seat in mind, it will make an appearance in another blog post.) At this point, after not being active sexually he tried to finally have sex with me. I had no attraction, no love for him anymore so I shot him down. We finally got all the paperwork done and turned in mid August. Now it was a waiting game. He decided to go back to Texas end of August. He left the weekend of my best friend's wedding.
That weekend in August was my great turning point. I finally felt free. I thought no contact with someone that I've talked to everyday for 12 and a half years would be difficult. It wasn't. After a little over 2 years of not knowing what direction my life was going to go in, I had a direction. I was going to be single. I just let myself live that weekend and I had a blast. Best time in a long time. I made friends, danced, was merry. I didn't even drink really. I was just ready to move on with my life finally.
I can't remember when exactly I decided to get on the dating apps. Maybe sometime in September? I didn't really know what I was doing, still don't. But I figured I'd give it a try and see what happens. At one point I was on 4 different apps, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and the Facebook dating app. I've had a lot of matches but honestly that doesn't matter. The following blog posts will be about the ones that I have actually met. Each post will be titled with a nickname I made for the person. Everyone who will have access to this will know who I am talking about. The posts may get updated depending on if anything further happens with that particular person. They will be in order of our match on whatever app it was.
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